the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh god it's open bar.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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