I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
