I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
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You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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