he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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