hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I would fuck him just for his dog
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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