I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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