i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
