There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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