I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
