I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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