On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Randomize
