then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
