Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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