they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
