i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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