I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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