i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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