So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
40s are totally the cure
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
