just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
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I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
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If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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