I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
