Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I lost the right to judge tonight
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
