Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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