If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
