i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
