Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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