Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
