Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
