if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
MIDGETS
????
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
