finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
