She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
