well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
