your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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