The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
