At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
