Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
