he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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