I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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