i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
