Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Randomize
