My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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