i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
