YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
