i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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