Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
