I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
