i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
