Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
