I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't turn off my feet"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize