hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
