So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
