my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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