And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
