you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
