she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself