I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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