your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
