wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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